A Better Goodbye
by Rei Haruno -Sakura no Imooto
Summary: Strange things happened in my brother's wake. No matter what they said to me, it did not change the fact I lost him forever. I did not even know why. All I know was that he tried to give me a better goodbye.
1. A Better Goodbye

Hiya! Something just went inside my head, and I had the urge to write another death fanfic. Somehow, it found its way to be in Matthew's POV even though I do not know if I could portray him well. He's pretty much like me so I had difficulties in doing this. (It should go the other way around, though.)

This is started months ago. I just finished it now. My heat exhaustion is killing me.

 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Hetalia or anything related to it. I borrowed some very used human names for characters who had no official ones.

 **Warnings:** Character death. T rating for swearing, suicide and smoking. It's a bit nonsensical, even though you can make something out of it when you squint long and hard enough.

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 **A Grim Reaper**

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 **Summary** : Strange things happened in my brother's wake. No matter what they said to me, it did not change the fact I lost him forever. I did not even know why. All I know was that he tried to give me a better goodbye.

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 **A Better Goodbye**

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Three days ago, I was a normal college student living on our parents' inheritance and educational insurance enough to survive until I could find a good job for myself. Three days ago, I was someone going home to a brother who would have messed the house because he became another couch potato. Three days ago−

I still had family.

It happened Saturday night I was out with my friends. I was hanging out with them until ungodly hours that night. Around eleven in the evening, my brother called me and asked me when I would be home. I went with a time I was pretty sure I would be home.

"Morning."

He just said alright. He even started joking about sleepovers and getting drunk. Before he hung up, he managed to whisper words which are not normal yet natural for him to say so.

"Take care, Mattie. I love you."

It didn't give me chills or anxious feeling. He randomly would say those words to me. He would do so random it would not make sense when or when not he would. I thought it was just one of those times he would.

However, no sleepover happened. More so of getting drunk. I went home around three in the morning and went inside the house using my own duplicate key.

Inside was reeking of alcohol. He must have been binge-drinking again while I was gone. I walked some more and found empty, half-empty, and untouched beer cans in the dining table. All of them littered the table as well as the floor. Some of the liquid even stained the wood.

 _'I would clean it up, but I'm too tired. I would just do it later in the morning.'_ I thought as I walked to the hall.

My small feet caused pitter-patter across the hall on my way to my room. Soon, I noticed red-yellowish water pooling beneath the bathroom room. I knocked on it as I called out, "Alfred! What are you doing in there?" No one answered back so I grabbed the knob and swung the door open.

With all the emotional pangs I suffered from all my life, what I just saw was the worst.

It took me seconds before gathering the courage to step into the pooling floor and out of the belief that it was just a dream. I was staring at my brother submerged in the bathtub, clothed and not moving. Dipping my hand in the reddened water, I held his face and felt the cold sensation sting my heart more.

"Alfred?" My voice cracked, and tears started forming at the corner of my eyes.

I pulled him up a bit, letting his head out of the water. He was not breathing anymore. I shoved my hand in the tub to reach for his left hand to get a pulse, only to feel a ridge in the middle of his arm. Grabbing his arm and raising it out of the water, I saw his hand clutched on his phone.

As well as that vertical deep cut in his arm.

Remember when suicidal kids draw horizontal lines in their wrist with a blade? They said those lines wouldn't really kill you that fast− vertical lines would. That was what I saw on my brother's arm. It was deep enough for him to lose enough blood to kill him in minutes.

It took long for me to realize my brother killed himself, and I am now all alone.

"Alfred, I love you, too− why?"

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 **A Better Goodbye**

 **Rei Haruno− Sakura no Imooto**

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Right now, I am standing on a corner and eyeing at multitudes of people I don't even know. It is really hard when your deceased brother is a popular boy in school. All his friends and non-friends come in his funeral to fake their despair. They were just here because everyone knew they were friends with him; it's always about the fame for everyone else in this room. I had to take a big funeral home, but nobody else here was really sad.

Also aside from the girl standing before the coffin at the moment.

I walked to her with a piece of cloth, and then I tapped her shoulder before giving the cloth to her.

"Lien. I'm really sorry."

She started wiping the glass free from the dust collecting on top of it. Her eyes were emotionless, staring straight at my brother's face.

"He was drinking alone and committed suicide− and I was at a shitty party." She turned to me and repeated with a now broken voice, "Matthew, I was at a shitty party!" She then shot her hands to her face and started crying, "I should have been with him! I didn't have an idea he was already feeling so bad!"

"Lien−" I tried embracing her, but she held her hand up to stop me. She wiped her tears off her face and placed the cloth on the glass before going away. I tried catching up with her and talking more, but she was tucked in by her other friends.

Lien and my brother had a happy relationship. It seemed almost fantastical. They never had any bad issues, or any arguments. They seldom sneered at each other, and they never came to a verge of break-up. Most girls will kill to be in Lien's position until now. I do not think he did this because of Lien and their relationship.

I sighed and turned back to the coffin's direction, only to see a guy standing where we were earlier. He was cleaning the glass thoroughly while whispering words as if talking to my brother.

"I long to hold those warm hands/ Taking me into a euphoric dance/ Holding me through, angry and sad/ Reminding me the joy I never had−" His voice sounded like a poet's.

"E-Excuse me." I called on him, and he turned to me.

He looked around our age, but his face did not have much youth in it. His golden hair was messy, and his eyebrows were thick. He had pretty green eyes and a clean-looking face. However, I knew I have not seen him before.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think we met before, mister."

"Ah, yes. There are some people Alfred doesn't introduce to his brother. Your name is Matthew, right?" He smiled at me, and then I walked near him to smile back, "That's right. What's your name, mister?"

"Arthur. Alfred and I met in high school." He answered briefly, no explanations added. Soon, he looked around and asked me, "How are you holding up? Seeing too many people come here and weep?"

"Weep? I guess you need to take another look around." I looked at the crowd again, seeing some of them laugh and snicker. I do not mind if they were talking about my brother's misadventures, but they are the people to join wakes just for show.

"Matthew." He spoke my name again- soft and calm- and I turned to the man. He was still smiling at me. He then looked at the glass and pressed his hand above Alfred's cheek.

"This is a very unfortunate event, isn't it? You never saw this coming. He bottled a lot of things; enough for him to break from inside." His hand moved as if caressing his face. "Break from inside."

He was starting to feel creepy. I wanted to go, but I could not just leave Alfred with this man. I know he's dead, but the idea still hit me that way.

"Y-You were reciting something to him earlier. Is it a poem?"

"Oh, you heard that? Yes, it is a poem. Do you like it?"

"It's hella creepy."

"Alfred said so, too." Arthur chuckled and gave me a glance with an amused smile.

He was so busy staring at Alfred's face, and my efforts to get him off from there were failing. I could remind him to let other people see my brother, but I was scared to even touch him.

His hand looked cold like ice after all.

I turned back to the other guests, seeing our other relatives tend to them. My aunt was the one talking to his teachers, emphasizing how sudden this is. Suicide is not so Alfred-y. Everyone knew him as a very cheery kid, but I knew him as an impossible dork. His smiles were genuine, his antics gold; believing Arthur about him bottling problems was as hard as accepting my brother's death.

Then again, why did he do it? Why did Alfred leave everyone? Why did he leave Lien? Why did he leave me?

A sigh came to my lips as I decided to look back at the stranger, only to find him gone. I looked around again to spot him, discovering he was here with some friends. I never saw of them from before- and I doubt they were all friends with Alfred.

"Matthew."

Lien's voice came to my earshot, and I turned around to see her standing there. She was eyeing at the same people I was staring at.

"Who is he?" She asked, eyes still pinned at Arthur.

"He said they were friends from high school."

"I know everyone Alfred knew from high school. He's not one of them. His presence is also gloomy and depressing. Can you keep him away from the coffin?"

"I can try." I spoke an empty promise.

"Mister Matthew?" Another voice called me, and I turned back towards Lien's general direction. She and I stared at the police officers who showed us some badges, both of us looking at each other before I came nearer to answer.

"I guess that's me. Is something wrong, officers?" My voice was shaking in uncertainty. I did not know why officers would be in front of me. This was a suicide after all.

The one on the left, the female one, started talking after confirming my identity, "We would like to ask if you know who this person is?"

It was him. It was Arthur. Wait, why would they ask? Was this in front of our house?

"I- I just saw him today. Why are you asking?"

"Surveillance cameras from a nearby store caught him standing outside your home last night. He wasn't seen going out the house after Alfred let him inside. Since the victim did not show any signs of suicidal thoughts, we tried investigating if it was a foul play."

Lien and I gasped at the breaking news. She then threw a finger towards the direction of the suspicious men, "He's here! Right- where did they go!?"

I flung my head towards Arthur's general direction, only to find the gang gone. I did not know if they left because the police was here, but it would be safe to assume that.

Soon, the two officers went around as if trying to find them. Lien and I were left there until she covered her face again and took off to see her other friends. I could also assume that she would tell them about the man we just heard of from the police.

Hearing my brother murdered instead did not sit well with me. Instead of staying there and standing stupid, I found my way out of watching the coffin and outside the funeral home where no one else was.

The distant sights were lit with the nightly lights of the streets and establishments. They were remotely blinding and soothing to my mind. In times like this, I found it relaxing to smoke even though everyone else in our not-so-immediate family disprove of it.

I took a stick from the box I had with me and lit it with my lighter. No one else was there so no one should be there to stop me. I doubt Lien would even try to if ever. I breathe in the nicotine and everything else before blowing out a thin puff of smoke from my lips.

The night was particularly cold, and the urge to cry now wasn't helping in keeping my mind busy.

"Alfred, you son of a bitch."

After blowing the second puff, I felt someone lean on me from behind. They were oddly warm and cold at the same time, probably standing out here for quite a long while. Since this place was empty, that was not the case. They had an arm on my shoulder as if trying to keep me close while they took the cigarette from my hand. Surprisingly, they seemed to smoke it, only to choke.

"I don't know what's more gross, dude: an indirect kiss with you or the nicotine in this piece of shit."

I could only remain silent. I felt I would choke while sobbing if I try to say something.

"Hey, how are you holding up? Not real good if you ask me." He dropped the cigarette and stomped on it just enough to kill the small fire.

"What's going on?"

I tried, but I could feel tears dripping from my eyes. My heart started to throb as my lungs worked poorly, making me catch my breath. I had my hand take off my glasses as the other one wiped my tears away. Needless to say, I started sobbing. Man, I don't want to choke soon.

"I'm watching everyone. I'm really worried when you walked out here."

"If you aren't stupid, we wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place!"

"I'm sorry, man. It just needs to happen."

"I don't understand the 'it just needs to happen' part, asshole. It's-!" That's it. I choked.

I might be violently coughing because of my feelings, but I still felt him there behind me. So close, so painful. I managed to stop and just kept sobbing to minimum, my hand on my mouth to control myself.

He placed his hand on mine. The warmth of his hand was staring to dissipate, being replaced by heart-breaking coldness. With that, he spoke, "Listen, Mattie. Everything's going to be alright soon. It's hard now, but it will be."

"Why, Alfred? Why like this?"

"I came close to a lot of things comparable to death, and I ended up being just a shell what I used to be. I tried to make things work, but nothing helped me. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't want you to worry about me. You won't sleep as much as you used to, and you will welcome every day with a broken smile. I can't see you like that."

"You think it's a bit different with you gone?"

"At least, it ends. Trust me, Mattie, it'll stop. And when it does, I'll be happy."

"What about that guy in our house that night? Did you tell him you're planning to end it that night? Did you have a drink with a witness?"

"I had a drink with death, Mattie."

He let go.

No. He couldn't!

When he pulled away from me, I felt my heart was being ripped in two. I tried keeping his hand firmly in my grip, even moving it for my trembling lips to plant a kiss. I did not want him to go, but he held my hands tightly before slipping his hand away.

"I love you, Mattie. Take care of yourself."

With that, the cold of the night started to feel numbing. I looked around to see no one around me anymore. I went towards the entrance and stared at the horizon, hoping to see that face one more time.

I had, actually. In my mind, he was there- even though he was nowhere to be found.

I trudged back inside the funeral home and ignored everyone inside. Our aunt was there by the coffin, talking to people who came to share condolence and mourning with us. When they were gone, I opted to get near the coffin. Our aunt was talking about something towards me, but her words would not get through.

My hand then pressed against the glass as I stared at his face. It was brighter than earlier, as if his lips managed to curl a bit for a smile even from beyond the grave. It was as if he knew I would be looking at him again after meeting him outside and receiving a much better goodbye.

I still did not understand why I had to lose him of all people, and that was when I broke.

More than what I did in front of Alfred earlier.

Suddenly letting out the pain I had successfully hidden from all those three days of shock and mental absence did me no good, though. It did not bring him back to me.

I was basically sprawling myself next to the coffin, and my aunt had to attend to me. I could not care less about the reaction of everyone else.

It was painful. I felt like I would die if I did not let it out.

He promised me it would be alright someday.

I just wanted to believe that.

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 **End of A Better Goodbye**

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Thank you for reading. I'm not sure how to process this story- it was way different from the one I planned. Anyway, I hope I did not ruin anyone's day.


	2. Their Song

This is the poem Arthur was reciting. It's hard to make something out of this, too. I guess I'll leave the interpretation to you, guys.

I made this.

 **Their Song**

Cry, my little bird, let your tiny voice

Make a stand, make a choice

Cry, my little bird, through the noise

Eyes and face still freshly moist

Your voice of agony reminds me

Those lost days of eternal glee

Each smile and grin we receive

The happiness planted deep

I long to hold those warm hands

Taking me into a euphoric dance

Holding me through, angry and sad

Reminding me the joy I never had

Roads crossed and paths taken

Some left us rose-colored and broken

Some bridged, can and cannot be laden

Some carved and some forgotten

Promises are said and covered

Bonds, pointed, tainted and severed

Loneliness slowly yet forcefully conquered

Eternal vows suddenly waivered

Tortured by sanity and loneliness

Missing everything about your caress

Both digging through each side of darkness

Ending up in becoming human less

Cry, my little bird; have me summoned

Voice out how you are scared and alone

Call out to me with your regretful tone

Let my cold hands take you hereupon


End file.
